The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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