Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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