i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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