I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize