Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
