Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
