If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
