I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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