I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
