Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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