did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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