I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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