Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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