Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
