So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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