you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
