Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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