Nicole vs. Life
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
