Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
