He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The air was thick with penises
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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