This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
