Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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