If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
