i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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