so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
