You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
