why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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