Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
