remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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