VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
