If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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