So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
