We won't sleep together?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
