i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
