I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
