In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
