I didn't shave. On purpose
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
