I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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