I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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