Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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