dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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