I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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