The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
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I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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