I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I would fuck him just for his dog
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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