can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
