Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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