And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
