Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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