Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
