So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
