Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
