The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
