I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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