I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
