i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
