I puked a lego.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
