I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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