Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
